Why do you tease me so? My heart leapt with joy at the sight of the announcements this morning. “Netflix launches in Canada!” As we rushed to the site to sign up for your awe-inspiring services, my eyes wandered across the simple layout and spotted the selection. What ho!
Yet browsing through your movies and television shows, my heart fell twice as far, plummeting into a rocky pit of black despair. My hands that were once raised in joyful salute dropped into tightly clenched fists as disappointment and anguish filled my soul. Why do you not offer popular trademarks of our culture? There is no Lost. There is no Fringe. There is no Gossip Girl. Why do you not have such ubiquitous shows as CSI? OR SEINFELD!? Oh what misery awaits my future!? That I should be forced to substitute Cry Baby, The ‘Burbs, or Mallrats for Seinfeld is blasphemous! Have you no shame?
And upon searching the Action/Adventure movies, while barely recognizing any titles, to be offered a movie starring Nicholas Cage (a pox upon him and his family! I bite my thumb at him!) yet not a hint of Bruce Willis, Russell Crowe, or even Harrison Ford!
Wound upon wound. My heart cannot take it. Oh true apothecary, thy poisons are quick. And thus, with a kiss, I die.